It's not a secret that I don't sleep much. It's a mix of reasons, really, but sometimes my brain never takes a rest. The worst nights are when I'm stressing out about something I have no control over, and even though I know there's nothing I can do, I worry about every little thing anyway. There has been a lot of weight on my shoulders lately, and for once in my life, it's ninety percent work related. The burden shouldn't be there, so I'm ready to remove it.
The book industry has gradually fucked up my sleep even more, and sadly, it's difficult to admit that something that used to be a hobby to me, something that I used to enjoy, has caused so much negativity in my life within this past year. Along with that, I've also experienced some of my happiest moments, so I can't say it has all been a waste. It's kind of a bittersweet situation.
These last few months especially have taught me the most. Sometimes all you want to do is trust everyone, and all you learn is that you can trust no one. You put your faith in people you believe are worth your time only to have your time wasted from being used, manipulated, or disrespected. You say what you mean and mean what you say when others will pussyfoot around, tell you what you want to hear, or straight up lie to your face. Then there's my favorite... You refuse to step foot in circles of gossip or the tearing down of others... only to be the one that is unfairly slandered.
Am I whining? Nope. It's just a harsh reality. The more visible you are to others, the more often you will be ripped apart. It's true that those doing the harm are the ones that need the most help and guidance, and even though I'm more than happy to forgive and move on because I feel it's the right thing to do, there is still a lot of aftermath that needs to be dealt with. I don't have the time to deal with it. I'll say that right now. I don't want to deal with your petty bullshit and ridiculous behavior. I know who I am and what I stand for, and I know I'm better than that. My time is valuable and I'd rather use it on things that matter. I genuinely care about people and how I make them feel, and if I knew I had hurt someone or done them wrong, I would not be okay with that.
With that being said, I also feel it's in my best interest to step away from the time wasters; to avoid people who have poor business standards and even worse personal ethics. If your top priority is knowing what everyone is doing, wishing ill will on others, or intentionally trying to hurt someone...then just step away from me. I feel those good and bad vibes, it's usually not hard to figure out, but the chances end at some point. I'm a pretty tolerant person--it's why I carry so much stress, trying to figure it all out and make everyone happy. I have a longer line than most, but I'm at the end of it. Sorry, but it's done. I guess higher powers can sort out the devils in disguise, and hopefully not too many people get hurt in the process. If so, then it's a lesson to learn like the rest of us have gone through.
You're probably wondering what the hell is up to post all of this. Well, quite a lot. It has just accumulated over time. But for the most part, I'm extremely disappointed in the way some things have turned out lately, and even more disappointed in the people involved. If you follow along with some of my posts and announcements on social media, you probably have an idea. I have no problem with some of the business changes I have made and will still be making because like I said... my time is worth more than the garbage I've been getting in return. I love writing, but I definitely don't do it for the attention.
I also don't need to work with those that do. I don't care if you have a mass following of fans or if you think you're fucking facebook famous. I honestly couldn't care less. What I do care about is that small circle of fantastic people that are genuine and would drop what they are doing to help a fellow human being. I've met some amazing readers and authors in this industry that would do just that, and to be honest, I admire and respect them more than anyone. I witness it in the music industry too. There are those that flaunt for show and there are those that just DO because they want to. There's a difference. "Character is what you do when no one is watching."
I'm a people person. I love to get to know others. I'm somewhat reserved until you get to know me, but I am truly interested in lives besides my own. I just want all of you to know that you're just fine. You will be hurt, taken advantage of, used, gossiped about, disrespected, screwed over, judged, dismissed, stepped on and then some. There are some harsh realities out there. But you are also loving, appreciative, giving, respectful, wise, forgiving, compassionate, and NEEDED. You are what keeps this world balanced. Without that positive contribution, we would be swimming in a fathomless sea of despair. So keep standing tall. Don't get sucked into that shit pot that people like to add to. You have the power to walk away from people that are self-serving and undeserving of your time. Be a good example because maybe they need it, but you don't have to be pulled down with them.
YOU'RE MUCH BETTER THAN THAT